Crazy Train

No, I'm not off the rails again. I'm taking care of myself before I let that happen once more. I thought it would be much farther down the line that I would need to get back on my old medicine.

During the sixth month of my pregnancy I was becoming really depressed. My psychiatrist and I decided that being off my medication, a combo of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, would be the best choice for a healthy baby. But when the "baby blues" hit me in the final trimester, I spoke with my OB and I went on a safer antidepressant so we could squash the possibility of having worse postpartum depression. It was the best idea, given the circumstances of my labor and post-op.

But now, after four months of having a child, moving to a completely different state and culture that I don't feel a part of, giving up a dream job, a house, friends, and living with my in-laws, my mania is back, trying to take claim on my old life. There was a little depression before, like I was upset because of the parent I might become living with bipolar. And there was a little mania, like starting a scrapbook, nearly finishing it in one week, and starting to knit again, forgetting to eat to finish another project, online shopping. But then the low would swing right back down. I won't leave the couch except for the bathroom and a snack.

After hiding the way I felt around my baby from my husband and his parents, I really couldn't hide it anymore. I scheduled an appointment with our doctor to be right after my son's four month checkup. I explained the migraine headaches, and hallucinations I had when they occurred, the emotional mood swings when I was by myself, the mania and the depression, and we talked my old medications. Of course, I did my research prior to the appointment because I didn't want to stop breastfeeding, and I wanted to review the drugs I had been on before. Depakote. I was on it before with an antidepressant, and it helped both the mania and migraines, also there are no reports of it harming infants from the breast milk. It's my best bet to get back on track.

So, wish me luck, readers!! I started two nights ago and I'm hoping that this is all I need to be on for now, or at least until my son is weaned off my milk.