My son is now 9 months old, and although I've been taking my medication, with the seasonal changes my mood has started to revolve it's pattern. The last two months I've had hypomanic episodes during the daytime, followed with depression and drinking, lots of drinking, in the evening. I scheduled an appointment with professionals last month.
After my evaluation I was finally given the official diagnosis of "Bi-Polar Disorder." I'm actually really relived to have receive this diagnosis because I feel like it's been years of battling just depression or just anxiety that I know mentally has been much, much more exhaustive. I mean, how else do you explain migraine episodes where someone actually sees and hears things that others don't? Or when you feel like finishing off a bottle of bourbon whiskey, taking on the town or a craft project one moment, but the next you don't want to leave your couch, much less your house?
My medication doses are increasing by half. Since I'm still adamant about breastfeeding my son until he is 12 months old, it seems my only two options are: 1) continue my current medication at a higher dose since he's been exposed to them via breastmilk (Celexa and Depakote), or 2) discontinue breastfeeding and start on Lithium. Well, obvious answer for me there!!!
I am willing to do whatever it takes for my son to have the healthiest start in life, especially if it means taking more medicine for me to have a healthy mindset. I desperately want him to continue nursing, and i really don't want to stop, even after one year! We'll have to see where my mind is then, though.
As for the depression and drinking aspect of this game I play, I don't know when or why that started. Let's say about a month ago...
For whatever reason, at the end of the day, after I'm finally able to nurse one last time and lay my little one down to sleep for the night, I need a drink. I need Mommy Time. I need ME time. Sure, it may have started with only the one shot of liquor that first time I had the urge to drink, but the next night I needed a shot and a swig from the bottle. Then I needed two shots and a swig. And it didn't take long that I stopped measuring out the shot glasses and just started drinking from the bottle; two, three, four good swallows and a chase of soda followed by a cigarette and I'm gooood. Hey, I don't need to nurse again until the alcohol is out of my system anyway, so what of it, right??
Well, I guess I was guilty of drinking, and that's when I realized that I don't normally drink that much in the first place. So I called for that appointment because I knew something was changing. Of course, I knew that my behavior at work had already made the swing toward mania because of the way my co-worker would look at me as I rattled off thoughts about new cooking and baking creations, knitting baby hats for my friends and camouflage cases for my hubby, painting and singing and cleaning and OMG CLOTH DIAPERS!! But don't you love the way mania feels?
I think it was hard for me to decide when to start taking a higher dose of medication because I do love the way hypomania feels, even with the depressing blow of wanting, needing to drink at the end of the day. I feel so energetic, creative, imaginative, sexy... But still not in any way normal. And besides, I have a baby now, someone that relies solely on me to help him in life, so I have to be there, I have to be medicated to normality. But I don't have to lose my sense of self.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Crazy Train
No, I'm not off the rails again. I'm taking care of myself before I let that happen once more. I thought it would be much farther down the line that I would need to get back on my old medicine.
During the sixth month of my pregnancy I was becoming really depressed. My psychiatrist and I decided that being off my medication, a combo of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, would be the best choice for a healthy baby. But when the "baby blues" hit me in the final trimester, I spoke with my OB and I went on a safer antidepressant so we could squash the possibility of having worse postpartum depression. It was the best idea, given the circumstances of my labor and post-op.
But now, after four months of having a child, moving to a completely different state and culture that I don't feel a part of, giving up a dream job, a house, friends, and living with my in-laws, my mania is back, trying to take claim on my old life. There was a little depression before, like I was upset because of the parent I might become living with bipolar. And there was a little mania, like starting a scrapbook, nearly finishing it in one week, and starting to knit again, forgetting to eat to finish another project, online shopping. But then the low would swing right back down. I won't leave the couch except for the bathroom and a snack.
After hiding the way I felt around my baby from my husband and his parents, I really couldn't hide it anymore. I scheduled an appointment with our doctor to be right after my son's four month checkup. I explained the migraine headaches, and hallucinations I had when they occurred, the emotional mood swings when I was by myself, the mania and the depression, and we talked my old medications. Of course, I did my research prior to the appointment because I didn't want to stop breastfeeding, and I wanted to review the drugs I had been on before. Depakote. I was on it before with an antidepressant, and it helped both the mania and migraines, also there are no reports of it harming infants from the breast milk. It's my best bet to get back on track.
So, wish me luck, readers!! I started two nights ago and I'm hoping that this is all I need to be on for now, or at least until my son is weaned off my milk.
During the sixth month of my pregnancy I was becoming really depressed. My psychiatrist and I decided that being off my medication, a combo of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, would be the best choice for a healthy baby. But when the "baby blues" hit me in the final trimester, I spoke with my OB and I went on a safer antidepressant so we could squash the possibility of having worse postpartum depression. It was the best idea, given the circumstances of my labor and post-op.
But now, after four months of having a child, moving to a completely different state and culture that I don't feel a part of, giving up a dream job, a house, friends, and living with my in-laws, my mania is back, trying to take claim on my old life. There was a little depression before, like I was upset because of the parent I might become living with bipolar. And there was a little mania, like starting a scrapbook, nearly finishing it in one week, and starting to knit again, forgetting to eat to finish another project, online shopping. But then the low would swing right back down. I won't leave the couch except for the bathroom and a snack.
After hiding the way I felt around my baby from my husband and his parents, I really couldn't hide it anymore. I scheduled an appointment with our doctor to be right after my son's four month checkup. I explained the migraine headaches, and hallucinations I had when they occurred, the emotional mood swings when I was by myself, the mania and the depression, and we talked my old medications. Of course, I did my research prior to the appointment because I didn't want to stop breastfeeding, and I wanted to review the drugs I had been on before. Depakote. I was on it before with an antidepressant, and it helped both the mania and migraines, also there are no reports of it harming infants from the breast milk. It's my best bet to get back on track.
So, wish me luck, readers!! I started two nights ago and I'm hoping that this is all I need to be on for now, or at least until my son is weaned off my milk.
Home Sick but Here's a Couple Recipes
Me and baby boy have been sick the last two weeks. He's spent two days home from daycare, and I've been home two days from work. Even though I love cooking at work, I really like cooking at home for my family. Here is a recipe for Caldo con Pollo (Chicken Soup) and Zucchini Bread. They are great together!
Caldo con Pollo
- 4 quarts water
- 2 chicken legs, 2 thighs, 2 wings, and 2 tenders (if you are quartering a whole chicken, reserve breasts for another meal) or 2 store bought skinless chicken breast. Boiling the meat on the bone makes great chicken stock.
- one small onion chopped
- 2-3 cloves garlic minced or chopped
- 3 carrots, chopped in rounds
- 3 stalks of celery, chopped
- 1/4 to 1/2 a cabbage, chopped
- sea salt, black pepper, paprika to taste.
- egg noodles (whatever size and however many you like)
Bring water to rolling boil and cook chicken, onion and garlic until meat has internal temp of 175 degrees F. Set chicken aside in a bowl to cool. After cooled, pull meat off bones and place back in stock pot. Chop vegetables, add to stock pot and bring soup just to boiling and let simmer. Season to taste. After the carrots are tender, add noodles in quantity of your choice, but do not let overwhelm the vegetables. Cook noodles al dente, or as directed on package.
Zucchini Bread
- 3 eggs
- 2 cups sugar
- 1 cup olive oil
- 3/4 tsp sea salt
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 3 tsp cinnamon
- 3 tsp vanilla
- 2 cups grated zucchini
- 3 cups flour
- 1 cup chopped pecans
Cream eggs and sugar. Mix in other ingredients. Divide dough into two greased and floured loaf pans. Cover pans with a foil tent. Bake for one hour at 350 degrees F. Remove foil tent and bake 5-10 minutes. Cool on rack.
I'm sure anyone that makes these recipes will be so delighted!
Caldo con Pollo
- 4 quarts water
- 2 chicken legs, 2 thighs, 2 wings, and 2 tenders (if you are quartering a whole chicken, reserve breasts for another meal) or 2 store bought skinless chicken breast. Boiling the meat on the bone makes great chicken stock.
- one small onion chopped
- 2-3 cloves garlic minced or chopped
- 3 carrots, chopped in rounds
- 3 stalks of celery, chopped
- 1/4 to 1/2 a cabbage, chopped
- sea salt, black pepper, paprika to taste.
- egg noodles (whatever size and however many you like)
Bring water to rolling boil and cook chicken, onion and garlic until meat has internal temp of 175 degrees F. Set chicken aside in a bowl to cool. After cooled, pull meat off bones and place back in stock pot. Chop vegetables, add to stock pot and bring soup just to boiling and let simmer. Season to taste. After the carrots are tender, add noodles in quantity of your choice, but do not let overwhelm the vegetables. Cook noodles al dente, or as directed on package.
Zucchini Bread
- 3 eggs
- 2 cups sugar
- 1 cup olive oil
- 3/4 tsp sea salt
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 3 tsp cinnamon
- 3 tsp vanilla
- 2 cups grated zucchini
- 3 cups flour
- 1 cup chopped pecans
Cream eggs and sugar. Mix in other ingredients. Divide dough into two greased and floured loaf pans. Cover pans with a foil tent. Bake for one hour at 350 degrees F. Remove foil tent and bake 5-10 minutes. Cool on rack.
I'm sure anyone that makes these recipes will be so delighted!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Birth Story and Baby Pictures
So a year and four days ago, I found out that I pregnant once again, this time I was able to carry my son to term, and actually a week past my due date. My birth story is long overdue, especially since my son, Alex, is now one week from becoming four months old! I'll spare most of the gory details of his arrival, but I'm warning you that nothing went the way I planned.
I was planning on a natural birth with as little medicine as possible, a two-day stay at the hospital and an exclusively breast-fed baby. Yeah, right...
The problem started when I became diabetic during pregnancy and having an incredibly hard time keeping my blood sugars normal. My OB did tell me that he usually delivers at 39 weeks with a diabetic pregnancy, but was keen on trying to appease me and my birth plan, which included waiting up to two weeks past the due date before inducing. As my due date came and went, I received a phone call from my doctor; he was out-of-town. He said, "Kittie, I really don't think we should keep that baby cooking any longer, I'm thinking he needs to come home this weekend." What?! I contacted his business partner, who was very surprised to hear that I was nearly 41 weeks pregnant with gestational diabetes, migraine headaches and (in the last week) hypertension! He wanted to induce immediately.
I was induced at midnight and labored for thirteen hours. Yes, I got the epidural, but it was only after my husband asked me to because he could no longer sleep through my painful cries of back labor. After the epidural I needed to be on oxygen the rest of the labor to keep my baby's heart rate normal as my blood pressure went higher. About eleven hours in I was dilated to eight centimeters and, as my doctor checked the progression, I leaked meconium fluid. My husband was concerned, I was beginning to get concerned, but as I dilated to nine we tried to push. Nothing happened. One more push, and still nothing. I was prepped for an emergency C-Section.
I wasn't allowed to breastfeed him any more until his blood/oxygen saturation leveled out, so we bottle-fed him with formula while I pumped my milk every three hours to keep up my supply. I gave the milk to the NICU nurses, who were so supportive and encouraging, and I was able to feed him with it when I had enough per feeding. I was released from the hospital after a three day stay, but my son had to stay in NICU for at least a week, or until his temperature stayed at a normal 98 degrees. I never left the NICU wing that week. My mother-in-law and I took shifts feeding him at night. I was finally able to breastfeed again after four days when he was taken out of the incubator and placed in an isolate, still on all monitors but off oxygen. His sleep apnoea disappeared, and we were finally able to stay in the transition room the night before he was discharged.
Everything in my six-page birth plan went wrong: no drugs, no c-section, no formula, no bottles. But after all the trauma, transition and the wonderful NICU nurses, I can't think of a better way or better team to bring home baby.
I was planning on a natural birth with as little medicine as possible, a two-day stay at the hospital and an exclusively breast-fed baby. Yeah, right...
The problem started when I became diabetic during pregnancy and having an incredibly hard time keeping my blood sugars normal. My OB did tell me that he usually delivers at 39 weeks with a diabetic pregnancy, but was keen on trying to appease me and my birth plan, which included waiting up to two weeks past the due date before inducing. As my due date came and went, I received a phone call from my doctor; he was out-of-town. He said, "Kittie, I really don't think we should keep that baby cooking any longer, I'm thinking he needs to come home this weekend." What?! I contacted his business partner, who was very surprised to hear that I was nearly 41 weeks pregnant with gestational diabetes, migraine headaches and (in the last week) hypertension! He wanted to induce immediately.
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| On my due date, July 16, 2012 |
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| The night I was induced, July 20, 2012 |
I remember being uncontrollably shaky, not being able to keep still on the table despite having two epidurals and morphine. Surprisingly, I was very calm, and ready to have my son come home, my husband was scared enough for the two of us. And as the thirteenth hour neared, my son was born at 12:32pm. First we heard the surgeon count, "One, two, three times around..." his umbilical cord wrapped around his baby neck would have, inevitably, caused us more harm had we pursued a vaginal birth. And then we heard suction, like a vacuum. And finally, he cried.
They had to take him to the nursery right after DH held him and I saw him. He was gorgeous! But he wasn't exactly perfect. After my surgery I was wheeled to my recovery room while my husband stayed with baby in the nursery so he could be monitored. Hours passed. I had fallen asleep waiting and recovering, but seven hours later two nurses brought my baby boy in to see me, and I finally held him in my arms. He saw me for the first time, smelled me, knew my voice, latched onto my breast with no problem at all, I had a perfect baby. We discussed having him room in, as we planned, but decided it would be better for him to be in the nursery this first night after a difficult delivery, and I'm glad we did.
About five o'clock the next morning, and mere ten hours after holding my son and two feedings later, a nurse appeared in my room, without Alex. She said he had stopped breathing a couple times after the last feeding, he had sleep apnoea. He was moved to NICU, placed on oxygen, heart rate monitors, blood/oxygen monitors, and into an incubator to keep his temperature up.
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| Visiting Alex in NICU |
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| The night before we went home |
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| Newborn |
 |
| One Month |
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| Two Months |
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| Three Months |
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Before You Know It, Baby!!
Sooo,
I found out that I was pregnant in November. It was a year, to the day, after suffering from a miscarriage that I found out my husband and I were expecting another child. In November 2011, I learned I was pregnant, not far along, but enough to have started a bond with my unborn child. I regretfully don't have a driver's license, and I have never wanted to drive either, so I take the city bus everywhere!
November 12, 2010, Friday, I was on my way to work on the bus after being called in duing a day off to help a co-worker with a cake. It was pouring rain!! Of course I didn't think anything of it, this was the way I am used to travelling. The bus diver is always so careful, too. But this day it wasn't the driver's fault. The bus was T-boned at an intersection on Broadway by an elderly woman who lost control of her truck. The truck slammed into the bus and the four passengers were all shaken. We were all women, and two of us were pregnant, coincidence? We were told by the driver to remain on the bus while she called the police and gathered infomation. After fifteen minutes, the police arrived; I called my husband to let him know what happened, and my job to let them know I wasn't coming in to help. About this time I noticed my stomach was cramping and I felt a little sick. I didn't want to wait on the bus anymore so I asked my husband to come get me, gave my story to the officers and got off that bus.
I called my doctor's office as soon as possible to have a check-up that following Monday, but I didn't need the appointment to know something was wrong. I woke up early Saturday morning with more terrible cramps and blood-soaked underwear. My husband came to the bathroom to check on me and found I was sobbing, on the toilet, when the blood didn't stop gushing. Again, I called my manager, I wasn't going to work for a couple of days. When Monday morning came around, my physician confirmed a spontaneous miscarriage. That night, I started a bender that continued for nearly a year. Before I got together with my girlfriends I would have a few shots at home, then go to a kareoke bar and have a couple more shots, a couple beers, and go home. That was way too much liquor for a 100lb girl to be having for dinner, and like I said it went on for nearly a year.
The last drink of liquor I had was on November 12, 2011, when I found out I was pregnant again. As I poured a shot of brandy from a brand new bottle, my husband ran out to the dollar store for a pregnancy test. Oh, Paul Mason was delicious that night, but I stopped after that one, last drink, because the test was positive. And the test after that was positive, and the third one I took while hubby was at work was also positive, so I made an appointment.
Now you've heard my story, here are some pictures of my growing bump over the last 8 months!!
I found out that I was pregnant in November. It was a year, to the day, after suffering from a miscarriage that I found out my husband and I were expecting another child. In November 2011, I learned I was pregnant, not far along, but enough to have started a bond with my unborn child. I regretfully don't have a driver's license, and I have never wanted to drive either, so I take the city bus everywhere!
November 12, 2010, Friday, I was on my way to work on the bus after being called in duing a day off to help a co-worker with a cake. It was pouring rain!! Of course I didn't think anything of it, this was the way I am used to travelling. The bus diver is always so careful, too. But this day it wasn't the driver's fault. The bus was T-boned at an intersection on Broadway by an elderly woman who lost control of her truck. The truck slammed into the bus and the four passengers were all shaken. We were all women, and two of us were pregnant, coincidence? We were told by the driver to remain on the bus while she called the police and gathered infomation. After fifteen minutes, the police arrived; I called my husband to let him know what happened, and my job to let them know I wasn't coming in to help. About this time I noticed my stomach was cramping and I felt a little sick. I didn't want to wait on the bus anymore so I asked my husband to come get me, gave my story to the officers and got off that bus.
I called my doctor's office as soon as possible to have a check-up that following Monday, but I didn't need the appointment to know something was wrong. I woke up early Saturday morning with more terrible cramps and blood-soaked underwear. My husband came to the bathroom to check on me and found I was sobbing, on the toilet, when the blood didn't stop gushing. Again, I called my manager, I wasn't going to work for a couple of days. When Monday morning came around, my physician confirmed a spontaneous miscarriage. That night, I started a bender that continued for nearly a year. Before I got together with my girlfriends I would have a few shots at home, then go to a kareoke bar and have a couple more shots, a couple beers, and go home. That was way too much liquor for a 100lb girl to be having for dinner, and like I said it went on for nearly a year.
The last drink of liquor I had was on November 12, 2011, when I found out I was pregnant again. As I poured a shot of brandy from a brand new bottle, my husband ran out to the dollar store for a pregnancy test. Oh, Paul Mason was delicious that night, but I stopped after that one, last drink, because the test was positive. And the test after that was positive, and the third one I took while hubby was at work was also positive, so I made an appointment.
Now you've heard my story, here are some pictures of my growing bump over the last 8 months!!
10 weeks
13 weeks
16 weeks
20 weeks
23 weeks
24 weeks
27 weeks
30 weeks
32 weeks
34 weeks
35 weeks
36 weeks
37 weeks
My due date is July 16th and I can't wait to hug, hold, and love that baby boy when he enters the world!! I'll be sure to post some baby shower pictures next week!!
Nearly a Year Later...
And have I got some cakes for you to see!! But look with your eyes, people, because you can't lick your computer screen to taste these beauties... you'll just have to order one when I get back from maternity leave, but more on that in the next post!
Let's start with the abundance of baby shower cakes I've done in the past 9 months!!
These may be all the cakes that I post for a couple months because I start my maternity leave on Monday!! Just another three days of decorating cakes at work and I get some time to myself before my precious baby is born. My due date is July 16th, just around the corner!
Let's start with the abundance of baby shower cakes I've done in the past 9 months!!
For my supervisor's baby shower;
48 Baby Pacifiers!!
Here are a few more special cakes for birthdays:
These may be all the cakes that I post for a couple months because I start my maternity leave on Monday!! Just another three days of decorating cakes at work and I get some time to myself before my precious baby is born. My due date is July 16th, just around the corner!
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