Now, shortly before my hubby comes home from security duty, i wanted to jot a few things down that have happened recently.
I had to punish myself. You see, my DH and I have this arrangement involving threesomes. We love it when it happens, though it's only happened twice thus far, but the rule is that it is a group adventure, and I broke that trust. All in all, I cheated on him with a girlfriend, and i had to tell him because I'm an honest person, and in time he says he will forgive me, and I know that, but I felt so bad that I couldn't feel regret or anger at myself, so I had to do it. It was the first time in years, since college, that I had caused self-inflicted harm, but I had to, because he wouldn't punish me for it. I grabbed the sharp end of an earring and scratch across the surface of my left wrist, over and over and over until i saw a little blood. The scars, or what's left of it, i know will fade over the next couple days. But this was something that felt too good to not repeat. So on Sunday, after i woke him to give me a ride, he awoke with such anger and began screaming at me about not knowing how to drive....what else was i to do but punish myself again for being incompetent. Grabbed the scissors this time, five, six, seven, oh there's the little bit of pain... I've been wearing a bandage for several days, however I'm sure these cuts are still not deep enough to scar, I'm not worried. He would not let go to work afterward, as any caring husband would do.
I don't want to die, and I have never wanted to end my life. But I want to give out the punishment I know I deserve.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
2011 Writing so Far
A couple of things I need to post before I can start blogging this year, just get sorted out and all....
January 3, 2011
I have gained a few pounds after this miscarriage we had in November. I haven't been eating as well, or as often, and I been smoking many more cigarettes and pot. There has been no notice of the bills piling up on our desk and Grandma bailed us out of debt for Christmas. I guess you could say things are little rocky right now, but I digress! It is not our marriage falling down. As newlyweds, Seth and I feel strong about our vows, and though our communication is lax, our bond is strong. And we are faithful.
January 24, 2011
On the bus again. I texted Eric to confirm what i heard from Darlene. Yes, our W2's came in today. After readying myself i hopped on the bus to the grocery store, where I worked. Dressed in my dark brown boots, jeans, red dress, red jacket, brown scarf and Mexican necklace. My hair was in an updo. And I am listening to Lady Gaga - LOVE IT!
February 8, 2011
Im going to work on an empty stomach - I'll see if someone in produce can hook me up with some breakfast. While walking, I thought I'd write a haiku for the snow coming:
January 3, 2011
I have gained a few pounds after this miscarriage we had in November. I haven't been eating as well, or as often, and I been smoking many more cigarettes and pot. There has been no notice of the bills piling up on our desk and Grandma bailed us out of debt for Christmas. I guess you could say things are little rocky right now, but I digress! It is not our marriage falling down. As newlyweds, Seth and I feel strong about our vows, and though our communication is lax, our bond is strong. And we are faithful.
January 24, 2011
On the bus again. I texted Eric to confirm what i heard from Darlene. Yes, our W2's came in today. After readying myself i hopped on the bus to the grocery store, where I worked. Dressed in my dark brown boots, jeans, red dress, red jacket, brown scarf and Mexican necklace. My hair was in an updo. And I am listening to Lady Gaga - LOVE IT!
February 8, 2011
Im going to work on an empty stomach - I'll see if someone in produce can hook me up with some breakfast. While walking, I thought I'd write a haiku for the snow coming:
Snow, glistening down.
My town will be covered soon;
Our snow-covered town.
Today I brought nothing but this journal, which I planned on copying into a Word Doc yesterday but couldn't get motivated to do so. It feels good to write. I really need to get back in the practice because nothing, no talent, is more appreciated than an artist's written word, his literature and original thoughts. Although, nothing may be more criticized, either.
The ponds here are all frozen.
Today I brought nothing but this journal, which I planned on copying into a Word Doc yesterday but couldn't get motivated to do so. It feels good to write. I really need to get back in the practice because nothing, no talent, is more appreciated than an artist's written word, his literature and original thoughts. Although, nothing may be more criticized, either.
The ponds here are all frozen.
Some Oldies
I really need the laptop to be an extension of my arm, as it used to be. And as I'm fulfilling my new career, I want to stop all my bad habits, but I can't tell you about the old habits until you know about the way I used to be, the way I used to write and the way I used to think, unparalleled to natural or normal thoughts. So these next few entries are coming from my hand-written journal of last summer and fall, ending to the current day.
June 20, 2010
So here's a little something... My friend is out of town right now until the 27th, and I"m excited for when he returns. I got a ride to the bank at the south end of town from him and it was so quiet, good company. He seemed to want to go back to my place, but i declined; i needed a ride to work. A sweet compliment on my part, I believe. A show of interest, perhaps. I don't know whether to play along or 'hard to get'. Either way, we bother incline to positive gestures
I went most of the day without my glasses on and I though it was a pleasant change. Right now, though, there is a foreign movie on the TV, my belly is full with greasy spoon luncheon and Tex-Mex fried dessert burrito, but my handsome hubby is lying next to me and perhaps I will straddle him.
June 25, 2010
'Easier With Practice'
interluded a sex-trivial pursuit,
I straddled my husband and
his slumber disturbed for
the san-skin flick flared up my loin!
This executed stunt was recieved well, I gather,
for we both came shortly after.
June 25, 2010
My bio-clock wake me up at eight o'clock this morning. Seth was in panic mode and disturbed my race for eight hours of natural sleep. His condition needs treatment; I visit Dr Pai next Wednesday. Courageously he dressed, dosed his medication and letme patiently rest and went on to work.
I was up at eight, and greeted the girls (my cats). Poured the last drink of coffee into Seth's cup and proceeded to swallow the bitter end. I even decided that i must eat that last cannoli in the fridge for breakfast and filled my lunch bag. Even the cats restroom was cleaned. I even managed to catch the bus on time. But there was no key for me to get in the store to work.
The three-man landscape crew was early, too. Let's call him Manuel, came up to me and said I was sexy. I was confident, I knew. And I giggled and let him compliment me one more time, bringing my darling husband in the convo to say I'm lucky and flattered. thank you and walk away to the cool safeness of Java Dave's where a purple smoothie awaited.
June 28, 2010
I am watching 20/20, a wonderfully insightful show. I am reminded that I once had an outspoken voice - i believed in 'no tolerance' for sexual harassment [FLASHBACK Mrs Mata's fifth grade class]. Where had my voice gone? Coated over like the head pills the doctor writes for me. SAY NO TO DRUGS... EVERY NOW AND THEN.
July 6, 2010
I'm thinking of my first blog entry, and all i can think of is food. The creamy, homemade ice cream sitting in my happy belly is now making me bloat and sleepy. My body is numb to the pain of calories as I eat two, three of my lovely Lemon Corona Cakes.
September 30, 2010 ...the 4 o'clock Bus
Sitting and waiting for the bus. I have at least ten minutes of sitting in the shade before I leap on board. Sitting in the shade, caffeine and nicotine, Two lovely Jehovah's Witness girls pass me by as I wait in the shade. Seth talked to me again yesterday about learning to drive. Such hatred, anxiety, and madness, It is unnatural, i feel, still, and don't want to drive. I was an emotional wreck there after. He had been talking about divorce signs with his boss.
June 20, 2010
So here's a little something... My friend is out of town right now until the 27th, and I"m excited for when he returns. I got a ride to the bank at the south end of town from him and it was so quiet, good company. He seemed to want to go back to my place, but i declined; i needed a ride to work. A sweet compliment on my part, I believe. A show of interest, perhaps. I don't know whether to play along or 'hard to get'. Either way, we bother incline to positive gestures
I went most of the day without my glasses on and I though it was a pleasant change. Right now, though, there is a foreign movie on the TV, my belly is full with greasy spoon luncheon and Tex-Mex fried dessert burrito, but my handsome hubby is lying next to me and perhaps I will straddle him.
June 25, 2010
'Easier With Practice'
interluded a sex-trivial pursuit,
I straddled my husband and
his slumber disturbed for
the san-skin flick flared up my loin!
This executed stunt was recieved well, I gather,
for we both came shortly after.
June 25, 2010
My bio-clock wake me up at eight o'clock this morning. Seth was in panic mode and disturbed my race for eight hours of natural sleep. His condition needs treatment; I visit Dr Pai next Wednesday. Courageously he dressed, dosed his medication and letme patiently rest and went on to work.
I was up at eight, and greeted the girls (my cats). Poured the last drink of coffee into Seth's cup and proceeded to swallow the bitter end. I even decided that i must eat that last cannoli in the fridge for breakfast and filled my lunch bag. Even the cats restroom was cleaned. I even managed to catch the bus on time. But there was no key for me to get in the store to work.
The three-man landscape crew was early, too. Let's call him Manuel, came up to me and said I was sexy. I was confident, I knew. And I giggled and let him compliment me one more time, bringing my darling husband in the convo to say I'm lucky and flattered. thank you and walk away to the cool safeness of Java Dave's where a purple smoothie awaited.
June 28, 2010
I am watching 20/20, a wonderfully insightful show. I am reminded that I once had an outspoken voice - i believed in 'no tolerance' for sexual harassment [FLASHBACK Mrs Mata's fifth grade class]. Where had my voice gone? Coated over like the head pills the doctor writes for me. SAY NO TO DRUGS... EVERY NOW AND THEN.
July 6, 2010
I'm thinking of my first blog entry, and all i can think of is food. The creamy, homemade ice cream sitting in my happy belly is now making me bloat and sleepy. My body is numb to the pain of calories as I eat two, three of my lovely Lemon Corona Cakes.
September 30, 2010 ...the 4 o'clock Bus
Sitting and waiting for the bus. I have at least ten minutes of sitting in the shade before I leap on board. Sitting in the shade, caffeine and nicotine, Two lovely Jehovah's Witness girls pass me by as I wait in the shade. Seth talked to me again yesterday about learning to drive. Such hatred, anxiety, and madness, It is unnatural, i feel, still, and don't want to drive. I was an emotional wreck there after. He had been talking about divorce signs with his boss.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Begining Again
Tomorrow morning i wake up at seven and go for a walk with the dog. Smoke a cigarette, smoke a bowl, and get ready for work with a high riding on caffeine and a bus ride to the bakery. Seven, 7, seven o'clock, walk Sadie, let's go for a walk. Gotta start doing things right again. Let's begin again.
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