Make Time

Now, shortly before my hubby comes home from security duty, i wanted to jot a few things down that have happened recently.

I had to punish myself. You see, my DH and I have this arrangement involving threesomes. We love it when it happens, though it's only happened twice thus far, but the rule is that it is a group adventure, and I broke that trust. All in all, I cheated on him with a girlfriend, and i had to tell him because I'm an honest person, and in time he says he will forgive me, and I know that, but I felt so bad that I couldn't feel regret or anger at myself, so I had to do it. It was the first time in years, since college, that I had caused self-inflicted harm, but I had to, because he wouldn't punish me for it. I grabbed the sharp end of an earring and scratch across the surface of my left wrist, over and over  and over until i saw a little blood. The scars, or what's left of it, i know will fade over the next couple days. But this was something that felt too good to not repeat. So on Sunday, after i woke him to give me a ride, he awoke with such anger and began screaming at me about not knowing how to drive....what else was i to do but punish myself again for being incompetent. Grabbed the scissors this time, five, six, seven, oh there's the little bit of pain... I've been wearing a bandage for several days, however I'm sure these cuts are still not deep enough to scar, I'm not worried. He would not let go to work afterward, as any caring husband would do.

I don't want to die, and I have never wanted to end my life. But I want to give out the punishment I know I deserve.